Give me a supermarket trolley with flame throwers, please

Flame
My version of social distancing

By John Fraser

I have written before about the ignorant morons – staff and customers – who infest the supermarkets in which I shop during this 21st Century version of the Black Death.

There is normally sanitiser available for hands and trolley handles, but social distancing? Near impossible.

Today I stormed out of my local branch of Pick ‘n Pay – or should that be Pick ‘n Plague? I did try, using my trolley as a barrier, avoiding busy aisles, waiting patiently while people set up tent in just the area from which I needed to pluck my gourmet-select bread and gruel.

Boy, was I funny?  People found it so amusing that someone wished to keep himself – and them – as safe as possible.

Eventually, the crowding in the aisles, the total ignorance and indifference to social distancing, drove me out.

I left my trolley in situ, and left. Situ ain’t safe.

On instead to my local Spar. A more spacious store, but still full of people who wished to infect me. Soon after I entered, one staff member approached me and I held out an arm to indicate she should keep her distance. Oh, no. She gave me a friendly fist punch, making skin-to-skin contact, potentially infecting me with the killer virus.

A complaint to the manager secured an apology, and I took another dose of sanitiser. Maybe Trump’s idea of drinking bleach isn’t so stupid, after all. It’s probably safer than entering a South African supermarket

Before heading out to shop, I had watched our Trade, Industry and Competition Czar Ebrahim Patel informing MPs that infections among supermarket workers are 10 times the norm.

If the general population were to reach that scale of infection, it would overwhelm our country’s pathetically inadequate healthcare system (my definition, not Patel’s).

To conclude this brief, – but heartfelt – rant, I had to act like a grumpy, loudmouthed shit to keep myself safe.

The public – black, white, yellow, green and silver – doesn’t seem to understand the risk, and stores do not seem to be getting the message to their workers. 

Who are already more at risk, even without their stupid behaviour.

So I am opening up a tender for a supermarket trolly, armed with a battery of flame throwers.

It may sound cruel to burn others to a crisp as I meander along supermarket aisles, but it is not as if these morons would not kill themselves before long.

Be warned.

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